Make Room for Love

It was two years ago exactly that I found myself slipping into the deepest sadness of my life. It was completely incapacitating. My life was not what I wanted it to be. I was not who I wanted to be. I was undergoing the most painful heartbreak I had yet known in my thirty-two years, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was swirling the drain. I lay in my bed for weeks, streaming my favorite cop TV show online. I lost a lot of weight from not eating. There was no physical activity. I was either laying in bed, or I was up for work, to eat, or to go to the bathroom. My apartment was a disaster. The cat hair completely took over. I was worse than a cliché. If there is any time in my life that deserves to be described as pathetic, it was then.

It was critical mass. I became so disgusted with myself that I finally awakened to the urgency with which I needed to change my situation. The first thing I had to do was take control. Up until then I believe I was merely a passive observer. I was not asserting my own intention on my life. My only problem was that I really could not get myself to care. I was just that sad. I could look at myself in the mirror and see it, but I was utterly helpless to undo it. Therefore I decided to start with the physical, knowing that it would distract me while also contributing to a holistic approach to my overall wellness. In short, heal the body and the mind will follow.

It worked. Seemingly overnight I went from couch to triathlon. I made so many physical changes that I truly look like a different person today than I was back then. My professional life saw a lot of changes as well. I spent just under a year each in two different positions doing commercial software development, before accepting an offer to relocate to Europe and work as an international consultant. As it turns out, being in control of your life has some serious perks. You find yourself going places you want to be, and becoming the things you find interesting and good. I was becoming someone I always dreamed of being: healthy, fit, and successful.

The last two years has also been the setting for a massive overhaul of my interpersonal relationships. I discovered quickly that some friends were quite satisfied with me being unhappy and defining myself by the opinions of others. Regarding this, I discovered so much about myself in therapy during that time, including discovering I was the victim of emotional abuse during my formative years. This past dysfunction manifests itself in me in many ways. Some problems I have still are that I blame myself for everything, and I am masterful with sacrificing my own needs in order to achieve or attain the approval of others. I also have since discovered new realms of my own anger. Fortunately, I continue to make great strides in these and other self-destructive behaviors, but I think these are defining moments in my emotional experience. They will forever be My Struggle. They say knowing is half the battle. In the meantime, I have seen the end of a great many unhealthy relationships during this period, and I continue to seek a balance between giving and receiving love.

This has been a period of isolation for me, and it has never felt so palpable as it was last night. I was in a packed nightclub, and I got this overwhelming sense that I had to get out of there. My new friend who invited me had already been demonstrating concern for me, as I was not taking well to the group of eight that we had assembled. When I told her I had to leave, she said, "Maybe you have been on your own for too long." I know she said it out of concern. I didn't react at the time, but it has really wormed its way into my subconscious mind, and might very well be the reason I felt the need to blog today.

I am definitely demonstrating improvement in my capacity for self-care, though it is awkward and lacking in grace. There is just no easy way for a doormat to stand up. Since that breakup I described at the beginning of this post, I participated in a gravely, perhaps even dangerously, dysfunctional relationship. I also allowed myself to completely fall for someone who was entirely unavailable to me in every way. (Loving the unavailable is another fun side effect of my childhood trauma.) So while there is definitely a great deal of improvement in my recent choices, I am aware that I'm still repeating negative patterns.

I have some new ideas for self-improvement, and they are moving to the forefront now. I know this is exactly what I need to be doing. Although I have hungered deeply for human contact as of late, I am not sure that I would make such a great companion right now. In fact, I'm pretty certain that I don't. I have just canceled at the last minute, a trip to the beach with a perfectly lovely Dutch neighbor of mine, and I'm not sure if it was too impolite for her to want to make plans with me again. While I will certainly see what I can do to make it up to her, unfortunately I must say, come what may, so be it. I am learning to obey my own whims, and that is the foundation upon which my emotional future rests. I have already seen a lot of carnage in this regard. I have to force myself to be optimistic that I will not be defined by this period. It is a catharsis.

So here I am, barreling through some fairly important achievements in my life, thinking how wonderful it would be to share them with someone. Meanwhile, I know that I'm just not ready. These two years of work are just the beginning. None of this was about just pulling myself from the jaws of depression, although that was definitely a valuable first step on this new path. It was just that: a first step. There is no destination on this journey, there is only a direction, and I have chosen the direction of continual self-improvement. With that comes the eternal suffering made famous by the French and German existentialists of my parents' age. In essence, if life is constant change, then we will always be in a little bit of pain. That is how we know we're alive.

But these relationships...

I did all the work on the physical, the professional, the personal, but somehow I have avoided truly engaging, just as I did last night when I left that overcrowded bar. The good news is that it's all going to change, just as everything else has. What is my edge today certainly will not be tomorrow. If you're wondering what the secret is, it's a simple lesson one can learn from any basic Yoga class. I start by finding an edge, and then I focus my will on it, realistically, and without judgment. I hold myself accountable there, and breathe deeply, Sometimes I imagine breathing air into that painful edge. Then I typically find that if I push up against that edge again, it has moved.

I will find love again. I know it will be beautiful and I will certainly know it when it comes my way. My heart has grown very much, and I am settling down and becoming more patient. I am shedding the shackles of my misspent youth. There is no more time for negativity. Now more than ever I have a discriminating sense of what is most important to me in this life, and when I am ready, but not a moment before, I will find a way to share it with someone again. Until then, I have work to do.

A story about love - The End

Slowly it happens. You fall from love's grip, and drop to the safety of your heart's ocean. You cannot observe it in progress, but you can mentally retrace the events. It starts with seeing your adored one with more clarity, and ends with release from the fear of losing them. It doesn't mean you no longer care, it just means you are free from your constant concern for them. It may not be graceful. These things usually aren't. That is okay. If your former flame is a reasonable person who is given the time and space to draw fair conclusions, perhaps your lack of grace can be forgiven. Perhaps the two of you can defy conventional wisdom and remain friends. It is entirely subjective though, and only time will tell what the future may or may not hold.

In the meantime, look around you, because you are now free. In fact, take a picture so you can commemorate the occasion. Be mindful. Accept yourself and your place in the universe just as you are. Know that this is a time in your life upon which you will reflect a great deal, so you should do your best to find enjoyment in it. It won't be too difficult considering the sense of relief you experience. Indeed there is sorrow for the loss, even if the lost thing is pain, but it is not worse than what you just finished enduring. You are through the worst of it.