Real Magic

The sky was ominous that day

A portent for the natural destruction

That would topple a power line in the mountains

And turn our friend's labored storytelling into

A type of ghost story

We used our modern appliances

To illuminate your garden

To play music that drowned out the violent nature beyond

Lattice protected in climbing ivys

Sheltered us from the winds that brewed

With us in the cauldron

We listened to a tail of woe so alien to my ears

That when at last he finished my hands found his

And my eyes met his

And I offered words of thanks

Gratitude that he felt safe enough to share

We sat around a tabletop littered affectionately with the spoils of pleasure

Rolling papers and lighters and a dusting of tobacco and weed

Bottles emptied of their spirits

And then the song played

The song that would lift us all from our seats

And we danced

We danced like no one was watching

But we did watch each other, did we not?

For a few songs this went on until our friend made a polite exit into

The still dark early morning

And it was only moments after that you led me to your room

Few words were exchanged

Perhaps because nothing needed to be said

We both already knew

So much good humor already shared

Trust and understanding accumulated in genuine conversations

Sunsets

Afternoons languishing in the sun

Shared spliffs and quaffs and meals

And then at last this perfectly magical night brought us alone together in the dark

There was an unspoken knowledge

We found each other's edges and they interlocked like puzzle pieces

Shapes 

Shifting together

Breathing labored but rhythmic

Love overflowing

Spilling out onto the sheets

And into my dreams which came so easily

Wrapped up in your space

Folded carefully together into a tiny bed

Until morning came

And the magic still present in the room

Was hidden when the light and power returned

A truly supernatural connection

That shone brightly on the eerie night to illuminate a darkly electric evening

I left your bedside knowing

We had performed sorcery that night

The Idea of You

I remember every detail of that first night
When you turned your full attention on me
My surroundings blurred into the background
Your caramel eyes shone
As your intention revealed itself

I was caught in your enchanting spell

That night, there would be

Glittering plankton illuminating our waking reverie

Moonlight dancing on our skin

Eyes beaming as we relished in seeing each other

Nude

In both the physical and philosophical sense

We swam in that dark night in the Aegean Sea

Approaching one another's mystery

Pausing to catch our breath just outside the gate

More nights with you and

I remember how

You sang so sweetly to me

Spellbinding me with your stories

Lips painted with red and a trace of blue glitter

Changing dresses

Multilingual flirtation

Filling all the plates on a buffet of both intellectual and fetishist desires

You reawakened my instincts to hunt

I let you work your magic on me

I wanted it

I wanted your magic

To dose myself on your potent remedy

To feast upon your flesh with a Dionysian appetite

However

Your magic was sadly

Not what I imagined it would be

Quite early on I got the sense that our story

Would be a tragedy

Looking back, one can see plainly

The foreshadowing was more than obvious

But I was blinded by hormones

Blinded by your enchantments

Transfixed by your steady, heady gaze

I was so intoxicated that I

Prostrated myself and ignored my own needs

To accommodate the particularity of your situation

Accepted your inaccessibility

And remained hopelessly oblivious as the warning signs began to appear

Then one night early on in our exchange

I walked into a dangerous scene

We were drunk when you put a strap in my hand

Asked me to restrain you

And slipped on a blindfold

I'm sure you already warned me

About this pattern of behavior

And your aftermath

Before I myself became a player in your production

Still the blindness

I am so grateful for my instincts that night

You willed me to abuse your body

Enthusiastic consent tasted so sweet

With the utmost of self-control

I revealed only a brief glimpse of my inner sadist

You were warned previously that this was not a simple task for me

That the aftercare is special for repentant sadists

But I choked on the bitter fruit of its absence

And later on your shaming of me for needing it

This scene became the site of our undoing

The beginning of the end

You characterized my earnest and most heartfelt needs

As demanding praise

You punished my tender female masculinity

Worst of all

You insulted me in the way that hurt the most

By telling me it wasn't enough

Perhaps that should have been the end of the story

But I refused to see reality

I continued to abuse myself for your attention

While you continued to deny me access

Refusing 

To see me

To accept my compliments

To let me cook for you or buy you dinner

To leave gifts at your doorstep

Yet still wanting me close to you

To walk you home at night

To sleep in your bed

To hold you and never ask for more

Amazingly I gave you everything you asked

And you still didn't want me

You began to seem

Rather impossible to please

And the more you avoided me and withheld

The more I compromised my needs

At last we were able to reconcile that fateful night

And you told me then that it was done

In more ways than one

And yet somehow I found a shred of optimistic hope

In the closeness we shared for those final days

On that mountainous island

Walking hand in hand

Climbing and photography

Dining and sitting close

Dancing together and having fun

It all meant so much to me

You even bought me a very special gift

A charm that still pitifully makes me dizzy

For thinking of you now
Like a horcrux

(I need to get rid of it but I have not yet)

But that final night when I walked you home

I at last had to walk out the doorway of my illusions

I asked you for hope

And of course you withheld

So I left you there to begin my journey home

To return to myself alone

It was not quite over though

You had one final stone to cast

Just in case I had any lasting good impressions

You made sure to give my heart one last stab

Apparently I was too familiar in social media chat

Speaking too frankly

Too late

How dare I bother you with my feelings after all that has passed?!

You were so hurtful

You told me we are not that close

Your tone so condescending I gagged on it

And even after all of that

I have been unable to relieve myself of you

To rid myself of this burden of psychodramatic warfare

When I really let myself think of all these painful scenes

And even your passive aggressive instagram memes

For which you later accused and unfollowed me for doing

All the while it was you who was truly mean

Oh the crippling irony!

So I process and I process

I can see this pattern clearly playing out

Through my romantic history

This clinging to past dreams

When clearly they have disintegrated completely

And at last my moment of clarity

Came to me just this morning

I finally see exactly what I have been doing to myself

Somewhere in my mind remains the naïve hope

That the person I thought I met

Is still in there

That our friendship could survive

That all of these innumerable offenses can somehow be rationalized

And my idea of you

My idea of what we could have together would be realized

Alas I think that ship has sailed into the sunset

Past the fisherman who sold fish we would never eat together

Away from the bus stop we saw being vandalized

Beyond Sappho's Face and the mountain we climbed together

Across the Aegean

Smuggling away my idea of you

Leaving wakes that could cause a man to lose himself at sea

Goodbye.