One Philosophy To Rule Them All?

Here is my main beef with Eastern philosophy. (It actually is a complaint against Western philosophy as well, but I have already rejected that to some extent)

I agree that we should not be too hard on ourselves. We need to take more time to appreciate our own laboring and soak up the scenery while life passes us by. We also shouldn't be vain, materialistic creatures. I get that.

However wouldn't you also agree that the part of you that pays attention to detail and pushes yourself to achieve better plays a hand in your personal success? How does Buddhism or Taoism allow for us to hold onto our razor sharp competitive edges and killer business instincts? How does it allow us to care how we look in corporate drag, and spend too much money on clothes to impress people we don't even like? These tasks may not seem like very laudable activities to some, but they are sometimes necessary.

I also have some ethical problems with the concept of pacifism to the death. I am all for neutrality where armed conflict is concerned, but if someone comes for me, my instinct is to fight back. I believe that if Americans were Buddhist when WWII was going on, then we would all be speaking German right now.

Ultimately my problem is with the duality of it all. Just because I am pacifist does not mean I will refuse to fight. I know it sounds funny, doesn't it? I mean it, though. Just because you agree with black sometimes, does not mean that you must necessarily oppose white. They do not have to be mutually exclusive. There is room in the universe to be a little hard on yourself at the gym. To push yourself to shave off a couple minutes from your 5K. To want to win. To (gasp) engage.

The limitations here are using a single philosophy to rule them all. We are complex organisms swimming around in a complex universe, and we use a limitless number of tools to get ahead, each and every day. Where one philosophy backs you into a corner, find another that will see you through. Don't spend one more second limiting your own potential, because your toolset needs to be updated. Find the tools you need to solve the problem in front of you.

level up

I used to love, and continue loving, no matter how little attention or affection was paid me. When I realized the error in my own behavior, as someone who endeavors to command respect for herself, I cut off the flow of constant feedback to those who took from me while ignoring my calls, both literal and figurative, for reciprocity.

One by one, I watched as friends and lovers, both new and old, disappeared from my life without a word. It was/is a very humbling experience, and now I am feeling quite naked in the world. The sensitive tingle of cold air against newly exposed flesh burns, and in response I seek warmth and comfort in familiarity. 

I delve inward, and build routines of household chores, training, and preparing myself for my week. I wake robotically every morning and proceed through my day, and when it is all done, I hit reset and prepare for the next.

None of this is accidental. In this appropriately autumnal period of self-exploration, I'm cultivating all that I intend to reap, and weeding out all that is unnecessary for me to thrive during the spring of my next set of challenges. I am preparing myself for more drastic change while I search for the next level of advancement.

ripe fruit

There are two weeks of summer left, and I keep buying bagfuls of peaches. I want them to last forever in their plumpness. I eat them like a ravenous lion in this heat, tasting their sweet succulence like they are a breeze to quench the summer fever.

friend is a four letter word

The nature of our relationship was me waiting around for you. Until I stopped. Then there was no more relationship.

You probably think this song is about you. You might be right, because it is not just about one person. It is about an era of relationships.

You will never again get another opportunity to be so fucking disrespectful. I am worth so much more than that.

Untitled

When your eyes scan the room,
I want them to rest in mine
And find peace there.
I want my eyes to be your port
In stormy scenes.

Please think of my arms as
A ledge to which you may cling
Should you feel that your pool becomes too deep
Swim to your edges and find me there
Grab onto me,
And pull yourself close
And I promise to stand firm and
Keep your head above water.

Should you ever find that
You are too exhausted
To take another step
You can lean against me like a tree,
Find comfort in my shade,
From my roots to my branches,
You will find support
Should you need it to help you stand.

When you feel that your heart
Is tempted to succumb to darkness
I will beam at you and reflect
The light you need to shine.
My light comes from you,
And I will give it back to you.

Fetish Photo Friday 8/1/14: PEEPSHOW

I love this. So. Hard.

This is kind of disturbing and hot at the same time.

Really? So much beautiful iconography and the real deal modern version is like an arcade. It sort of sucks the allure out of the idea for me, but this is what really gets some people off. More power to em.

Peepshow Label

Keyhole

That's Bill Murray. He's everywhere.

Fetish Photo Friday: Patriotic Pinups

My heart still mourns.

My heart still mourns,

And yet, 

I do not miss you.

There are empty spaces in my life where people,

You were one of them,

Once fit.

I fill them with new pastimes.

Feminist Pride

I have been asked a few times recently if I feel like things are unfair, or if I feel that I am missing opportunities because I am a woman. That is a hard question to answer, because I must admit that I am definitely afforded different opportunities than men, across many aspects of my life. I am also very competitive, so I cannot help but notice these advantages that are not afforded to me. If we are being realistic, there is a lot of documentation out there about how women are at a disadvantage, and of course, a lot of it is true. Additionally, even über feminists and smart women in STEM fields (Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics) discriminate against women, admittedly probably myself included, if you can believe it. You should. It shocked me to discover it, but as it turns out, you can't escape the patriarchy if you're socialized within it.

On a personal level, the way I deal with this is to learn ways of distracting my attention from those frequently blatant double standards. I came by the decision quite honestly that I had no intention of spending my life comparing my lot to others'. Furthermore, I feel that I have learned valuable lessons, and enjoyed triumphant achievements in my life, as a result of the work I (am forced to) put into my own improvement.

Consider this: if you have ever interacted with someone who has a lot of privilege and is unaware of it, it is rather crippling, and not a very sympathetic condition, either. I am dealing with a person like this in my professional life right now. Everyone that has to work with him has complained about him to me. None of them can stand him, nor can I, though I do my best to have compassion for the kid. It seems to me that this is a problem that privilege may be able to alleviate somewhat, but will never mend entirely. Will money and influence spare him from one day having to face the realization that he cannot do anything on his own? To know that he has not actually had to earn anything? Or is it worse to be completely ignorant to your own ineptitude? Now, realize that there is some degree of this privilege IN ALL MEN, even the nicest ones, and the nicer they are, the less aware they probably are going to be of the privilege that remains in them. They just cannot help themselves, just as we women cannot change who we are. It's a pretty frustrating condition for both sides, truth be told, and I'm not convinced that privilege is the irrefutable champion. I guess it all depends on your priorities.

At the end of the day, I do well enough with what I came by naturally. I try to make the best of my gifts, but my destiny is not solely decided by the genetic lottery. My most cherished gift is my aptitude to earn those privileges via ambition, force of will, and most importantly, never letting my sex steer my goals. I know that I am doing well for myself when I can see that I have inspired men to feel competitive with me, which I think I do often enough. This is what I take home with me at night that helps me to silence the inner voice who overanalyzes and ruminates my own disadvantage. I am not really at such a disadvantage. I may be physically smaller or *GASP* even weaker, but that just means when I lack in one area, I must dominate in another. We all have our own formula; mine is to optimize my own performance, since that is all I can control. The gift that is afforded to me as a result, is nothing short of me doing the best I can with what I was given. How can I possibly do any better than my best? Finally, what sense is there in thinking about another person's opportunities, when I have a different destination?

Fetish Photo Friday the 13th: Fetish Fashion

Fetish Photo Friday - 6/6/14

Creepy hot.

Fetish Photo Friday 5/30/14

This woman looks like she could give you a wicked flogging, but is wearing ballet boots. How is she going to discipline in those? Maybe she is a slave who has her own slave? Either way, the photo is hot.

Fetish Photo Friday 5/9/14 - Gear

I have never seen a harness like the one this equine fetishist is wearing below, and the matching gauntlets and bicep cuffs are like something out of a scifi fantasy. Love it! The true piece de resistance is the mask. Flawless artwork, no matter what you think about pony play.

As timeless as a glass of water, I offer you the garter belt. These are quite utilitarian, as the leather is sturdy enough to grab onto. Hmmmm...

Again, I will iterate the importance of grab-ability. You often see tops wearing these harnesses, but they are extremely useful on a sub. Moving one's entire torso with one hand, just by grabbing a strap, is a useful capability.

Finally, I remind you that the theory of kink is just as important as practice. Do not shy away from your pleasure centers. To do so is to deny yourself the most simple of life's gifts, of which we are offered so very few. Sex does not make the person, but it can certainly put him or her in a better mood, provided it is safe, sane, and consensual. Happy Fetish Photo Friday, my friends!

Simon Says

The Muse Who Walks in Fire

The muse who walks in fire will consume you if you do not have your own fire within you. Be as bright as the flames you seek to warm you.

Pleasure from pain?

Must first my heart be destroyed before it can know how to defend itself? If that is the case, than I must have certainly paid my dues by now.

Hydration by rumination

About one year ago, my therapist asked me if it would surprise me to hear someone characterize my relationships with my father and step-father, during my formative years, as abusive. At that moment, I recalled hearing my mother frequently refering to my father as emotionally abusive when I was just a girl. That was knowledge I acquired long before I would understand its implications.

In that moment, I thought also of my step-father, Steve. I remembered the hours spent receiving lectures late into the night and early into the morning, even on school nights, over matters that, in retrospect, seem like pretty innocent adolescent shenanigans. I remembered watching him 'spank' my then 17 year old sister in a fit of rage. She was old to enough to fight back then, and she did, but she could not possibly expect to win. We did not win arguments with adults at that age. There are too many lessons to learn, I suppose, for them to let us be right about anything, especially when they are men who must insist their righteousness to little girls. Regardless, it was always worse when we fought back, as it was for her then.

On that day, in that tiny little office with my therapist, I told him that no, I was not surprised. What I had not considered until that very moment however, was that if my fathers were abusing someone, that logically made my sister and mother and me: VICTIMS. The idea of this slowly moved in and settled over me like a paralyzing fog. I suffered serious cognitive dissonance regarding being a victim during that time. Previously, I regarded myself as someone who recognized and addressed bad behaviors committed against me, and thus commanded/demanded respect in return for my friendship. Even still, this information promised that I was unaware of my own behavior, and the way it allowed, condoned, or in some cases, even invited abuse back into my life. I also discovered that with these fearful behaviors, also came my propensity to blame myself for everything. This i what makes me come to apology and to take accountability before so many others. Apparently that comes with trying to figure out how to keep explosive anger from exploding. The "I had it coming"/victim blaming mentality. As it turns out victims already blame themselves more than you ever could.

But wait, there is more! There is a sad and tortured mix of side effects that come along with this. One is the quite obvious result of me being further abused emotionally, another is a common response to the abuse: hyper vigilance, among other things. What this means is that I can become defensive at times when there may not be any real threat. For example, suspecting someone of committing similar acts as previous abusers, simply because the situation sparks a memory or feels familiar. Once bitten, twice shy, as they say. This is what all living creatures do; they survive by evolution, which is just a fancy way of saying they survive by avoiding that which most threatens their existence.

And yet.

Does this fear and hyper vigilance help us survive, or does it hinder us? As with most defense mechanisms, I guess it does both. My first defense is to use my wits to escape, but when that doesn't work I will puff myself up and raise my voice, if that is what it takes to be heard. These are not uncommon behaviors for people in crisis. The problem arises when we find ourselves actively participating in patterns that repeatedly lead us back to that state of crisis, and we act out those behaviors regularly. That is, in essence, a very, very bad habit, regardless of whether you fight or flee from conflict. It is a strange kind of behavioral addiction, which i believe can be just as dangerous to our health as drug abuse or smoking.

So this is where my rumination deposits me early on this Saturday morning. I am trying to identify the things that I need from others to feel good, the things that make me feel threatened or invalidated, and the behaviors that drive me to, and away from, these opposing forces. I cannot continue, monogamously or otherwise, to participate in these old routines of abuse. They creep into the most benign situations and truly poison the well quite irrevocably. The jig is up!  I am through being naive.

My therapist tells me we all commit tiny acts of abuse, and have them committed against us, in every relationship. In most cases, according to him, they are minor offenses. The treatment of which we should be wary, is when someone repeatedly sends us into crisis, regardless of their original intentions. Try to keep in mind that abuse can go both ways. Some people are mean, and will abuse you physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. There are also people who have been abused, whose patterns of behavior may seem to force you or lure you into roles that don't suit you. What is far more likely to happen, are that two people who are in love act out the sins of their past against one another without ever knowing it.

The real skill therefore, is in knowing when enough is enough. This is why I am using this time to take stock, and really get to know those things which I cannot abide, and also that which my heart desires most sincerely. I will learn to identify my own crises when they are happening, and how to avoid them without blaming myself.

I hope this helps some of you. I hope you can learn to see that we each have the capacity to be both abuser and victim. Mere fear of re-abuse can trigger more abuse, and that is different from what we expect with our modern sense of dualism. It is easy to see things in black and white, but that is misleading. Just remember, there is no right or wrong. There is only life, and people who try to survive it.

Fetish Photo Friday 4-11-14: Forniphilia Part III

Fetish Photo Friday 4-11-14: Forniphilia Part II

Fetish Photo Friday 4-11-14: Forniphilia

Forniphilia:

This fetish describes sexual arousal from the presence or use of human furniture.

steady myself on regularity

The clock has become my new best friend. Wordlessly I watch it move throughout the day, ticking off one interval on my way to another, measuring weeks out into budgets of food and cash and time. I cling to these constants while every other detail in my life continues on in what can only be called epic transformation. The changes, oh, the changes have me seasick. The life that I knew a year and a half ago is not the life that I lead now, and those changes have changed me, which made me want to change myself even more. Even still, I lament the person I once was with nostalgia. I kick and pout and cling to the trappings of a younger age, even though I am aware of the lateness of the hour. The sun has set upon my youth, but with that has come a great many wonderful achievements, experiences, and opportunities. Yet nevertheless, I still cling with white knuckles to the constants of the day, steadying myself upon their regularity as everything continues to change.

Today

There is so much life out there. Pick the very best options for your path, because life really only affords us enough time to get really good at doing a very few things. Where can you best spend your energy in this short existence?

Welcome.

In solitude, I return to my old friends: words. My inkwell brims with stories to share, as always. First I must clear a space in the clutter of my mind to think and write English words, as opposed to  code.

You will find me in these words here, but you will ascribe your own meaning to them, and you may even draw conclusions or pass judgment on me as a result of what you read here. Please remember that you are interpreting these posts, not me. Don't make assumptions without asking me. These words are based in truth, but they are also broad strokes of pure emotion. I reserve the right to grow and change and as soon as my words are written, they are in the past.

I would love a comment from you. I am not ashamed to say that I crave positive feedback. Plus, it is a way you can let me know you were here. Think of these comments as a guestbook. If you read a previous publication or writing of mine, web based or otherwise, I would especially love to hear how you found me.

Finally, see below.

My Crippled Heart

Today I am undone. A far away feeling has overcome me, and further detached me from my already antisocial perch at my computer screen. The blue glow does not warm me. I am without consolation. I am ill from love's rich feast. I returned home tonight to emptiness. Things were taken from their previous resting place in my life, and other things remained mistakenly, serving as reminders that stung anew after already enduring the first bite of emptiness. My words go unanswered as she avoids me. Gone is my love, but what has returned is my full attention to my crippled heart. No more will my feelings be pushed aside with excuses. I have rescued myself, but the cure is no holiday. Loneliness, defeat, and pathos have begun to curl their venomous tentacles around my limbs and torso, dragging me into the oceanic depths of my grief and self-flagellation. All must not be lost. I will surely allow myself to explore this pain, but I will not cede my progress in other personal battles. I'll not let myself down with self-indulgent wallowing. I'll not sink too deeply into the mire. If I learned anything in previous heartbreaks, it is that love can only kill you if you allow it.

Fetish Photo Friday 3-28-14 Part Two

As promised...

Fetish Photo Friday 3-28-14 Part One

Sorry I missed last week! Here are two lovely shots for you who enjoy women in latex.

We can dance if we want to.

Fetish Photo Friday 3/14/14

Latex thigh highs

Monster

It never ceases to amaze me when people are afraid of me. I realize that the ability to instill fear is a gift at times, but feared is never something I aspired to be. As a girl, I learn through implication to infer that I should be ashamed. I am not ashamed, though. I will not apologize for being formidable. I have the good fortune to survive a great many difficult situations, and I don't question it.

And yet.

There are those who characterize my strength with monstrosity. They are those who fear me. They are those who wish to topple me.

I say let them be afraid, and remain afraid, of me. If it is a monster they see when they look at me, then I will remain strong and give them what they want.

Fetish Photo Friday 3/7/14

A day in the life

Call me sir like everyone else? Or call me by name: Butch. See my effeminate flourish and hear my voice. You will not have to look hard for my girlish curves either, if you are able to see past the shroud of male clothing I wear to obscure my sex from visibility.

I am tall and broad, capable of doing the work of men, and yet somehow still another complicated girl underneath it all. I must be here to confuse and beguile, because that's what I do best. Being able to fend for myself in this world of men paints me as some kind of feminist pirate, but in reality, I profit from my ability to assimilate with men. Is it mutiny against my sex? How can it be if I am thereby a successful woman?

The truth is that the patriarchy and all of its components make me want to conceal my sex. I do not wish to be any less woman, I just want to be judged fairly and given equal access, and I achieve that more frequently when I let people assume I am male. It is not a new innovation. Women have done it for centuries. I am not even as savvy as some of my predecessors, who maintained elaborate ruses to conceal their true identities. I don my masculine personae as a farce; a burlesque. I mock the tired institutions of gender and work hard to do my part to change the status quo, and thus be a successful woman in this world of men...but make no mistake. I am butch. I am a butch. I am Butch Mystique.

Look inside yourself, Clarice.

Fuck Censorship

Due to excessive FB censorship, I have erected this blog. If you don't like it, call 1-800-IAMAPRUDE and see if anyone there gives a shit.