By the time I made my confession, I only had a few weeks left in the country. I asked her to dinner much in advance of that, but we were entering into the holiday gauntlet, and it was probably lucky we were able to squeeze it in when we did. I told her over dinner; at dessert, actually. The way I presented it to her required no response. At that point I was just grateful for the opportunity to tell her. I remember thinking she took it rather well, just before the lights came up in the restaurant. At that point we checked the time, only to discover we were so engrossed in the conversation that three and a half hours had passed, and we were still not yet ready for it to stop. We took the two remaining beers in the six back to my apartment around the corner, after I promised to be on my best behavior, of course. There we stayed until she finally left at midnight. It was a six hour affair, but was not a Date. Flowers, dinner, great conversation, but definitely not a "date."
From then there were fits and starts. One part of her was very clear that she wanted me, and another part of her was very clear that she would not pursue anything. Both of these parts would continue to do battle. There were some intimate moments shared. There were also rejections. All I knew was that when she came around me, I felt the blooms open and my heart would pump harder, and everything was right with the world. I was doing my best not to have expectations, but that got tricky the closer we became. My heart was already hers, but when she gave me all of that attention, I did not stand a chance. I fell for her utterly and completely. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman, and not one thing I do not like. Each new interaction makes me like and respect her more, even when it has the occasion to sting.
Then our three weeks were up, and I think it was just too much for her. She clearly enjoyed getting to spend time with me, quite a bit actually, but there just was not enough time. There was too much at stake. I was leaving the country. We really did not know one another at all, truth be told. It was upsetting the balance in her home life. For these reasons, and possibly others, she jilted me on my way out of the country. That is a generic word I am going to use to summarize a series of unfortunate events that happened. Essentially, she was there, and then she took her heart and went away from me, without warning or explanation. She did not offer me any consolation. So I left the country like that, carrying a deep sadness with me along with all of my baggage.
Even after I landed in Europe, for some reason I still did not get that she had completely withdrawn from any romantic pursuits for about another week. I actually had to ask her point blank if there was any hope. She said unequivocally no, and yet she wants to be my friend, and she is still just as wonderful to me as she ever was. She is truly sensitive to my feelings, and makes an effort to be considerate and give me time and space.
Everything I read online tells me that I will have to take space for myself away from her, and yet when faced with the prospect of closing the door on a friendship with her, every fiber of my being rejects it. I cannot give her up. She has influenced me in many ways since I met her in March, most of them having nothing at all to do with attraction. We have done nothing but help and learn from one another. However painfully my heart sings for her unrequited muse, I know that I am better off with her in my life.
In terms of the pursuit of love, she has told me there is no future for us, and that is what I am trying to accept now as she and I begin to redraw the boundaries. We are, after all, thousands of miles plus an ocean apart. Alas my heart knows nothing of distance, and is not ready to let go of those precious fleeting moments that we did share. I am still swimming in my memories of her being in my embrace, eyes locked together, suspended in the brilliance of a single moment.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUimRLO5G0E
From then there were fits and starts. One part of her was very clear that she wanted me, and another part of her was very clear that she would not pursue anything. Both of these parts would continue to do battle. There were some intimate moments shared. There were also rejections. All I knew was that when she came around me, I felt the blooms open and my heart would pump harder, and everything was right with the world. I was doing my best not to have expectations, but that got tricky the closer we became. My heart was already hers, but when she gave me all of that attention, I did not stand a chance. I fell for her utterly and completely. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman, and not one thing I do not like. Each new interaction makes me like and respect her more, even when it has the occasion to sting.
Then our three weeks were up, and I think it was just too much for her. She clearly enjoyed getting to spend time with me, quite a bit actually, but there just was not enough time. There was too much at stake. I was leaving the country. We really did not know one another at all, truth be told. It was upsetting the balance in her home life. For these reasons, and possibly others, she jilted me on my way out of the country. That is a generic word I am going to use to summarize a series of unfortunate events that happened. Essentially, she was there, and then she took her heart and went away from me, without warning or explanation. She did not offer me any consolation. So I left the country like that, carrying a deep sadness with me along with all of my baggage.
Even after I landed in Europe, for some reason I still did not get that she had completely withdrawn from any romantic pursuits for about another week. I actually had to ask her point blank if there was any hope. She said unequivocally no, and yet she wants to be my friend, and she is still just as wonderful to me as she ever was. She is truly sensitive to my feelings, and makes an effort to be considerate and give me time and space.
Everything I read online tells me that I will have to take space for myself away from her, and yet when faced with the prospect of closing the door on a friendship with her, every fiber of my being rejects it. I cannot give her up. She has influenced me in many ways since I met her in March, most of them having nothing at all to do with attraction. We have done nothing but help and learn from one another. However painfully my heart sings for her unrequited muse, I know that I am better off with her in my life.
In terms of the pursuit of love, she has told me there is no future for us, and that is what I am trying to accept now as she and I begin to redraw the boundaries. We are, after all, thousands of miles plus an ocean apart. Alas my heart knows nothing of distance, and is not ready to let go of those precious fleeting moments that we did share. I am still swimming in my memories of her being in my embrace, eyes locked together, suspended in the brilliance of a single moment.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUimRLO5G0E
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