As it would happen, she confided recently that her heart is not actually totally closed to me. The newest incarnation of our dynamic is that we are living in the moment, with no doors closing to what the future may hold, and yet still no promises made to provide for that which my heart most keenly anticipates now.
To a logical person such as myself, I have truly been struggling with this. Practical wisdom does not ordain a happy ending in this chapter. Conventional wisdom dictates what some of you may have already concluded; that I am setting myself up for failure. That may indeed be true. Instinctively, I find myself resisting this scenario with her, and asking for how long must I allow my heart to continue to swell for her without reward? For how long can I bear the openness of my own heart? For how long can I sustain this unfed yearning? Will she ever reciprocate the intimacy I want to share with her? You can be certain that you have not imagined any argument against this that I have not already considered.
While all of this is happening, I could not help but think back to another epic infatuation I maintained that ended very painfully last year, and my human instincts recoil and advise me to protect myself from experiencing that pain again. Yet already, if I am being truly genuine with myself, I can see that this interest in her is nothing like the last. She is different (she does have love for me, is physically attracted to me, and has demonstrated as much), the circumstances are different (as no two scenarios are the same), I am different (with any luck), and I have already changed my ways (I overcame my fears and went for it), which means our history together is already different from the past...and yet my instincts still collectively cause a tremor of fear to electrify my senses and keep them on alert.
Here I am, suspended in this precarious situation, and I know that if I struggle too much against it, she will actually close her heart to me. I also know that my fear insists that I do not stay where I am, exposed, heart continuing to swell and grow in her light. For what will be the outcome if I remain here indefinitely and never win her love? What shame and embarrassment and pain will follow me throughout this experience, and then continue to haunt me when at last I am able to love again? How will it feel to love so deeply, and then to be rejected? The truth is that these are logical traps, although I do not yet understand why. What I do know is true is that if I continue with these traps, we will have nothing but bitterness in the future, and that is a fate I cannot bear.
Her insistence that we remain present in the now, and not judge what is there, echoes in my mind. I am confused and frustrated by this. I think to myself that I am not Buddhist...and yet...I want to see, for I know I cannot reject her premise without truly understanding it. So I begin my research, and what do I find? I find revelations which both astound and annoy me; astound because they may contain the guidance I need to remain gracefully in limbo; annoy because they may contain the guidance I need to remain gracefully in limbo. My ego does not want her to be right, because it means that I must continue to feel the discomfort of possessing such a tender heart with no promise of salvation from itself.
When I discovered the first link my eyes widened like saucers, and in listening to the words of Pema Chodron liken the experience of unrequited love and how it can relate to Bodhichitta, I wept deeply. According to Chodron, love is not about our partner. It is about us. It is about seeing qualities in our own hearts reflected back to us. We yield against our own defenses, which is usually a hardening of our hearts, and instead soften in the relationship. Therefore, love is a way in which we become more open, and our hearts grow. When love is not returned however, for some inexplicable reason our hearts continue to grow and soften. The reason we cut ties when our affection is not returned is because we cannot stand the sensation of our own vulnerability; to our own softness in the absence of reciprocity.
Enter the Bodhichitta. Now this is a complex concept that I only just discovered today, so forgive me of any misstep as I try to parse this into words. Essentially my understanding is that the Bodhichitta lives beneath the armor of all of our defenses. It is the humanity that finds compassion for our sworn enemies. It lives in each of us, buried deeply beneath all of the mechanisms of protection and walls we build to keep people from triggering past pain. So from this oversized heart absent of all of its walls, we may harvest this beautiful compassion and enlightenment, but we must not shut ourselves down. We must not harden.
Therein lies the beautifully tragic connection between unrequited love and Bodhichitta. For me, I find that I am wearing this gigantic, hugely swollen heart that has completely opened itself like a Lotus at midday. For whatever reason, my heart felt it would be safe to bloom and present its most delicate anatomy to the exposure of sunlight and oxygen. While waiting for this to be reflected back to me, too much time has passed. My heart has gotten bigger and bigger, and just past the point of ripening, it wants to wilt. It wants to close over upon itself and take all of its fruit and blossoms into the ground from whence it came to rot and await a new seed to be planted. But there is still something living in this heart. There is still compassion. There is still love. And in this single solitary moment, I cannot deny it. So to awaken my own Bodhichitta here, I must not harden. I must stay open to all of the pain that it brings, as well.
So here I will sit with this passionate love. I will continue to let her inspire and influence me, and to clutch at the discomfort of my overgrown heart. I will struggle against the suffering I have created for myself; the pain that is defined by my own intense desire going unmet. I do not know that I have the stuff for this. I am not certain I will not break things in this delicate space. I only know that I want this elusive Bodhichitta to come from this, and not to have my passion - which can be so beautiful - become the destructive force and consume this love with bitter resentment.
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